yay, I'm blogging.

I got back a little bit ago. I went shopping with my mom and sister. I didn't really want to go. I didn't really want to drive the big honking van. But I did. It was good quality time, going to cash n carry and fred meyer. Ooh boy.

Something you may not know about me, if you don't hang out around me when I'm in my tired-silly moods, I make up a lot of songs. I like to sing made up songs and get people to think they're real songs. Like just sing a line or two of something sort of catchy in that cliche way and people think it's real. Kaitie doesn't always. She can usually tell when I'm making something up, but sometimes, she totally can't. It's like, okay, so I can't make up a whole song and make it any good, but at least I pretend I know a lot of songs. Or I just sing about everything that happens. Or I really do sing a real line from a real song because someone says something that reminds me of it. Or try and end up singing something half made up and half from memory. But mostly I just sing random stuff. There, now you've learned one way I act when I'm feelin' silly.

While we were at Fred Meyer, I pulled into a space so that our van was face to face with a Hummer. It's lights were on and there was a suspicious looking man sitting behind the steering wheel. There was also a gold mini-disco ball dangling from the rear-view mirror. You could've had a party in that car, it was huge. We made some stupid comment and brought up an inside joke about dance floor wax, laughed and went inside.. We came out of the store probably twenty minutes later. The man was still in the car. Now we started making fun of this because we make fun of everything even if it's not funny, and talking about soccer moms and road rage. Anyway, I put the van in reverse and started backing up. It was kind of hard to see, because the windows were all foggy and it's a big van. A lot of cars were going by so I was being kind of cautious too. The hummer started blinking it's lights and the car behind me, who was apparently very anxious to pull into my space, started honking at me. So, anyway, I just kept backing out and then the hummer pulled forward into my space and the guy honking at me didn't get it. Ha, spite him. I wonder how long the hummer man had wanted that space though. It was like he was just...waiting for us to get back into our car.

weird.

hah why am I blogging about this? I am in a silly mood. I should write something more serious.

How about church.

Today we had a missionary speak at our church. I love missions day. I always have...there's just something about it. Of course, when I was younger, I think most of the appeal was that it would be less boring than a regular service, but even so, I've always really enjoyed it.
Hearing about other countries, their way of life and different cultures, have always intrigued me, and after listening to a missions story of any kind I'm always convinced that I'm supposed to be a missionary - to another country that is. I think always been convinced of that, that at least for a time, I'd be on the missions field. But I think I've always known it was going to be in the future a bit.

Someone asked me today, "Do you really think you'd be willing to give up your family and be a missionary in another country?"

Yeah sure, if that's what I'm supposed to do, but I don't really think I would need to give up my family. I know I need to love God more than anything else, even the most important people to me. I think I've been blessed with a family that would completely support me in the decision to go and serve in another country, and I'm hoping that God will bless me with a family of my own that would go with me. That's a thought that excites me, or a dream I have. I guess there's a lot of things I dream about though. There are so many different ways I would love to be used to minister. I guess the really important thing is that I'm where God wants me though, and I know if I'm abiding in Him, then I'll love what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with.
A lot excites me about my future. Of course I don't know what's in store, but at the same time, I do - and I look so forward to finding out and doing the things God has planned for me.
It's like giving up what I have now won't even be hard, because I'm so ready to take in return whatever God has for me. And I hope to learn to give it back to Him too. I guess that's why I just need to be happy with what I have now, because I know it's going to change soon enough, and who knows what I can learn now that might not come as easily later.

Isn't it amazing that God has plans for us? I mean, even me? wow. It's a hard thing to fathom, when I think about my personal relationship with God and then realize that all these other people have personal relationships with God too - and at the very same time! And that of course, is what brings us together as a body of believers and helps us to grow closer and stronger in the Lord and together. But it's something I just can't grasp. Can anyone? I never keep up with all my relationships with people, but I know I'm a finite creature and I'm bound by time and imperfections, and people come and go in our lives. How do I get a hold of it, that God is outside of time? How can I picture life without time? I can only do it by comparing it with time, so I can't really understand it. It's like imagining humans having three arms instead of two. Well, maybe not quite like it..but, just impossible to really see what life would be like.

Like having t-shirts with three arm holes, picturing how the muscle would feel to move, and where would this extra limb go anyway? The logistics. It's a foreign idea. But it might make life easier. What's my point in going this far to explain this? I don't know if I really have one. I think I just wanted to talk about having three arms some more. wow that would be ugly.

I just can't be serious right now. haha. And I think my brother is coming over soon, so I should go...find something else to do.

-becca

Oh my gosh.

What have you DONE to our poor blog?

Don't think you can get away with this! You can't just act like nothing happened!

Amber!

I emailed you!

I guess thats all.

-becca

Last night I spent at Jessica's house. This morning, when I woke up, I sat up and for some reason glanced at the wall. There was a print of this painting on the wall - Poppy Field in Argenteuil, by Monet. I couldn't stop looking at it - the fields of flowers, the blue sky dotted with clouds, the mansion in the background, the trees. I started thinking about how slow that life was, and imagining myself walking through poppy fields for no reason at all, and having hours to stare at the sky, and in the evenings sitting on a porch swing with an afghan and watching the moon.

Then, as my daydream progressed, I decided that I would have a house in the country someday, and everything would be perfect.

But of course, it couldn't be a farmhouse in Washington, because the weather isn't as mild as I'd want it to be.

But of course, it would have to be in Washington, because the best joy of having such an estate would be to share it with friends and family. Mine all live in WA.

And besides, it wouldn't be a slow and quiet life. I'd have kids, and a husband. There'd be financial worries. I'd be cooking and cleaning and mothering all day, and I'd probably rarely feel like just sitting on the porch.

In fact, every dream of mine is like that, and every happiness of mine is like that. In fact, (this is getting thoughtful and deep) I think every happiness on earth is like that. It's good, and it's given to us from God, but because it's on earth, it can never be true happiness. It's always semi happiness. It's always marred by something, even if that something is only that the happiness has to stop.

For all the dreams I have about my future (and they differ every day), I know that my life on earth is never going to be as ideal as I want it to be. It's not going to be what I have dreamed, no matter how hard I work for it.

So, what's the point of my living, anyway? I'm always dreaming about my future life - always waiting for the day I can get something I want. I obviously don't know what I want. You who read this know that I change my mind every day. Married or not married? Kids or no kids? Career or no? Early death or long life? Country house, beach house, or suburb? Tea shop?

I know that all these things cannot be the point of living on earth. They aren't perfect, and I imagine them to be perfect.

I'm seeing now more than ever that if there is no Heaven, my existence is pointless. I desire so many things and I know that even if I get them on earth, they will be marred, and they won't be what I expected. That makes me sad.

I'm eighteen. In twenty years I'll be forty. Twenty years after that, I'll be sixty. Twenty years after that, I'll be eighty. Then I'll die.

But I know that I have something so wonderful waiting for me, and it won't last only eighty years. I know that I will be in Heaven forever after that. I'll get to experience all the things I was longing for on earth, but had no way to fulfill. Because of this promise, I have joy, but I'm also sad, because I am so sick of this earth, and I've only been here for eighteen years.

I want to go to heaven now. I also don't want my friends and family to be grieved at my departure. So I want Jesus to come now. Today. I want him to take us all home for my own selfish reason - that I can leave this world and live in Heaven.

But there are still people who can be reached if Jesus delays. There are still people who need to know about the choice they have, and they need to understand how pointless their life on earth is unless they choose to invest their lives in Jesus.

So, I guess I'll just do my best to bring people into the family. But I sure hope Jesus comes soon, because I don't know how long I can take this Earth.

Hi! Several boring and mundane things have happened since I last typed, but I won't bother telling you about them. I've been telling other people about them, and I'm done now.

I haven't been doing much homework, due to being sick, and unexpectedly doing things this weekend. But! I just made up a schedule for this week, basically listing everything due this week, as well as semester-long projects to work on. I'm feeling pumped up and ready to work on homework.

I've been thinking about becca all week. I want to have a real conversation with her. I'm drinking licorice spice tea right now. (Technically, it's not tea, since it doesn't have any of the actual tea plant in it.) I don't know, I'm getting kind of tired of Licorice Spice. I think I'm going to start buying my favorite teas decaf, so I can drink them in the evenings.

Work yesterday was weird. Coworker "A" called me midday, asking if I could switch shifts with her because she didn't want to work with coworker "J". She said, "That way, you'd go in for my shift, and when he leaves, you call me and I'll come in." I told "A" that I had class, but I could come in at 6 instead of 6:30 if that would help. She said that'd be fine and gave me her cell phone number. So, I was going to go in at 6. But she called me back and told me never mind, her girlfriend (this is my lesbian coworker) would come and "sit with her" so she wouldn't be alone with "J", and I could just come in at 6:30. So, that was the plan. I threw out her cell phone number, went to class, and went to work at 6:30.

When I got there, "J" was outside, smoking, with his friends. I thought "A" would be inside but she wasn't. As soon as I walked in the door, the phone rang, and it was my boss, Heather. As soon as I answered, she said, "Oh, there is someone else there. "J" said there wasn't." I told her I'd just walked in the door. She said, "Oh, that's fine, okay, bye." "J" left, shortly after that.

I had a list of things I, as the pre-closer, needed to get done. Problem was, I had a lot of customers, and I was the only one in the store for three hours. I had a few breaks in which to get some things done, but overall I was hardly able to accomplish anything because of the customers. I was pretty discouraged until Heather came in and said, "So, where's Angie?" My response: "Angie was supposed to be here?" My boss: "You mean, you've been working by yourself this whole time?"

In the end, the mix-up was several people's faults, but NOT MINE. Luckily, my boss is gracious and she was mad at the right people. When "A" had called me to see if she and I could switch shifts, and I said I had class, apparently she called Heather and told her that we were switching shifts, or something like that, even though I'd just said I was unable to. Then she called me back and said, don't even bother coming in early.

So, "J" worked by himself for an hour and a half, because "A" had never showed up, supposing that I had taken her shift, even though I had specifically told her I couldn't. And the reason she didn't even show up at 6:30, which is what she would have done if we had decided to switch shifts? Well, she had told me to call her and tell her when "J" left, so the coast would be clear for her to come to the store.

Okay, she knew that I had class and wouldn't be there till 6:30. She knew that "J" was off at 6:30. Why didn't she come in?

Whatever.

I don't even know what her sudden problem with "J" is. But it doesn't matter, because we just found out last night that "J" is going back to jail (he was on some kind of work-release program) for some reason.

Anyway, there's some workplace drama for you. Because of other people's incompetence, I had to leave work 45 minutes later than I would have, and my boss had to stay probably an hour later than she would have.

Some customer stories:

1. I was pretty chipper at the start of the night. I was just pouring a bucket of ice into the machine when a lady customer walked in. I smiled and said hi, and she had kind of a sour face as she nodded back. I asked her how she was and she said stiffly, "just fine." She wanted two sandwiches, and one with half the meat. So, I asked her if she wanted the other half of the meat separate. She said, "Well now, no one's asked me that before!" That seemed to cheer her up a bit. It just makes sense, when you're paying for a full amount of meat, you should get it. The meat is what determines how much a sandwich costs, anyway.

As I made her sandwich, I said, "How has your day been?" and she started crying. She had put the family's cat down today. He had a tumor in his eye, and the doctors said if they did surgery he'd have a 10% chance of survival, and lose his eye in the process. Her 12 year old son loved that cat and slept with him every night. Also, her son's best friend was killed last week when she was crossing a street - a car made a left turn, didn't see her, and hit her. And her neice was killed a few months before that. I felt so bad. I told her I'd pray for her, and I did.

2. Two black girls came in. Now, I am not racist, but ever since I've worked at Subway, I've noticed that black people tend to be more rude than white people. Of course there are always exceptions - I have lots of wonderful, nice, black customers, and lots of extremely rude white customers. In fact, I only get a few "extremely rude" customers at all in a day (they tend to stick out in my memory), but statistically, they are usually black.

One of the girls was just kind of bossy. She wanted deli, we had no deli because whoever had worked before me didn't make any. She asked when we'd have some. "Tomorrow morning." "Why?" "Because it takes three hours to make." "Well, why does it take yall three hours to make?" I explained the process to her. "Well now, can't yall just give me some regular bread for the same price?" I told her I'd be happy to oblige.

As I made her sandwich, she was giving me looks like I was the weirdest person on earth for asking her things like "What kind of cheese do you want?" Finally, she asked me, "Are you new?" I usually don't like that question, because it implies I don't know what I'm doing. I said, "No, I've been working here since September." She was rude when I rung her up too. She was one of those people I couldn't wait to get rid of. She and her friend ate in the store and left.

Half an hour later, she came back. I thought she'd come to complain, but she said she wanted another sandwich, because "the one you made was so darn good I just had to get another one. You make those things really well. Seems like lots of people don't care if you get the hard bread or whatever." She kept on with the flattery about the excellent sandwich I had made. It was more weird than anything else. That's all that happened.

I'd like to think I'm good at making unhappy people happy, but I don't know about that. Especially when it gets later in my shift, I am usually not very conversive or full of pleasantries. Hm.

I am sick. This morning, when I woke up, the congestion in my chest was so severe it was kind of hard to breathe, and my voice was gone so I could only whisper. I knew it would clear up somewhat about midday, like it did yesterday, after I started coughing stuff up. But I'm not getting any better, and I still have a lot of sinus congestion too. I went to the nurse to see if she could give me something but she told me to see a doctor. She gave me some phone numbers but I called and they all have some reason or another why I can't make an appointment. I don't have insurance, either, so that makes it more difficult.

So I'm not going in. The nurse said I'll probably get better eventually on my own anyway, but I'm definitely sick. This explains why I was so tired the last few days in spite of my sleep! And also why my eyes have been so red. I couldn't figure it out.

So now I'm all "me-focused". But the nurse sold me a bottle of cough medicine for $1.50, and so far I haven't taken anything for my cough, so I'm sure that will help.

Waaah. I wish I didn't have school. I'd so much rather be sick at home.

I'm going to:

1. Take a shower.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Sleep.

Actually, I think I'll sleep first and see what happens after that.

Bye now!

Hi. I didn't really have a purpose for typing on here, but this is the first time so far I've had the exact amount of time to do something like this in, and nothing else.

I've been pretty good about getting ahead of things. I've been pretty good at making sure every minute, pretty much, is productive. I'm realizing that "not getting enough sleep" isn't the only reason to feel tired. I've been (very carefully) getting roughly 7 or 8 hours of sleep every night, but I think that because I am so constantly doing things, it just makes a person more tired.

I get to sleep in tomorrow, though.

I was running a little bit every morning! But I'm still sick, so now I'm not running, at least until my cough goes away, because running makes it worse. I walk to work and class and stuff, so that's good exercise.

I had choir today for the first time, but I pretty much couldn't sing at all because of my cough/throat/sickness thing.

Ho hum. I've never said that before. There's not much going on. I'm listening to music, and I'll leave for work in 8 minutes. Half an hour just didn't seem the right amount of time to do anything in. I've cleaned up and organized a lot of my room, so I didn't really want to do that, or start on some homework project. Or take a nap, because it would feel too mean to my body to get up after that much time.

Seven minutes.

Surely I could think of something to do in this period of time!

But I don't feel terribly compelled to. I can have half an hour of free reign, can't I? I've spent the last week in such diligence. Following my schedules, accomplishing the things I set out to do, and still having time for friends and talking with God. I don't need to feel guilty for a little bit of unproductivity. I deserve it.

I don't feel guilty!

I'll go now.

Bye!

I worked today. It was only five hours, but after a morning and afternoon full of classes, it was stressful. Mainly because for three hours I had nonstop customers by myself. By "nonstop" I mean, I didn't even have thirty seconds to go into the back and prepare anything. We ended up running out of white, italian herb and cheese, and parmesan oregano bread. All we had to offer were wheat and honey oat. We also ran out of steak.

People were pretty nice about it, though, especially since they had to wait an average of 15 minutes to get their sandwiches. I was so exhausted, though. And I knew there was no way I'd be done with everything I was supposed to be done with by 8, but I didn't care - I started feeling really sick again and when Colin came, I told him I was leaving at 8, and if anyone had a problem with it I would come in early tomorrow and help with stuff.

I made a lot of tips, though! Seven whole dollars. Wow, that's like making an extra dollar per hour!

Colin is the person I least like to work with. I told him about how busy things had been and he was like "Well, lots of times when I work, it's even busier than that. And I'm by myself!" I didn't point out that I was by myself as well, and therefore he had no idea how busy I had been. I complained under my breath, something like "Ow, my back." I haven't worked for a month, so of course it takes some getting used to, all this standing and bending and constantly moving. He said, "where does your back hurt?" I said, "lower." He said, "Well, that's difficult to fix. If I were you, first I'd try going home and taking a hot shower. Then take some Tylenol, and lie down in this position, and try to stretch..." I tuned him out. He's so irritating. I didn't ask him to fix my back, I didn't even tell him it hurt. Blah. And he kept saying, "Well, I've worked when it's busier." He's such a moron. I wanted to hurt him.

Okay, I'm done now.

Hi amber! Sorry you're sick. I have a runny nose, if it's any consolation. But I think it's just because I was out in the cold and now I'm inside...in the warm...by a gas stove heater thing thats hot. Because it's on. Hopefully my sweater isn't acryllic so it won't set on fire. Does that actually happen? I remember my mom telling me once not to sit too near the furnace because my sweater would melt. Sounds like an old wives' tale. But, you know, my mom is a wife and...she's a little old anyway.

I carpooled today. I wish I carpooled more. It lets me avoid two things I don't really like: traffic and paying for gas. I'm thinking about taking the bus to work, if I can figure it out and if it's cheaper. I think it would be. Less wear and tear on my car, and it has to be cheaper than all the money I spend on gas.

Earlier I took Matt to get his hair cut. It's sort of funny when I take him anywhere, because people just assume that I'm he's my son, and I'm just a really young mom. I think the oldest I could pass for is like 20 - maybe 22 if I'm dressed professionally, but that doesn't really happen. That would mean I had him when I was...9 or 10...12 at the max. I don't think that's possible. They must assume I'm older than I look too. I guess I was kind of dressed nice today. Well, not really. But I am wearing a skirt.

I like wearing skirts. I always have. There was a period of my life where I didn't, because I knew that it meant that I wasn't allowed to run around and climb trees and play with the boys. I think now I've found a pretty decent balance between my tomboy and girly self. You know, like, yeah care about how you look but don't worry about "messing it up." Looks aren't everything. And you can look good even if you don't have the "I just left the mirror" look. Whatever that look is, I'm not sure. Something prettier than I ever have though. I guess. haha. I don't even know what I'm talking about. But, really, it is nice to just sit around in a skirt, or do dishes in a skirt or anything around the house in a skirt. If I'm going outside, I like to wear pants or something, but around the house-just-hanging-out-days are good skirt days. You should try it sometime. It's way more satisfying to twirl in too.

I guess that's all I have to say. Booooooooooring.

-becca

Blah. It's only the second day of school, and I'm kind of sick! It's not so bad I can't function, but I had a really bad sinus headache so I got excused from chapel. The nurse gave me some medicine that's supposed to be a decongestant with tylenol, so I took it and went to sleep, but when I woke up I felt like I had taken Nyquil and I could hardly move, i was so drowsy! So i called her and she said it's a reaction that like1 percent of the peple get when they take it. forst most people it makes t hem awake. haha. i'm not tired now but i'm so drowsy and everything is so slow. I was going to sit in on a class now, one that I wanted to take but ocudn't get into, and the instructor said I could sit in on it, but I'm not oging today because, haha, i can't pay attention.

but I do feel better. I'm working today and tomorrow. Ic an't find my green Subway shirt...where could it be? Hot lemon water is so good. My throat was so sore this morning I couldn't talk at all. I had one "class" but the instructor is in san francisco or something, so his assistant handed out the syllabus and took attendence and we were outta there in five minutes. I can't remember if the smae instructor also teaches a class i have later today, let me check now. No, never mind.

Well, I want to sleep now but I want to drink all my lemon tea.it's so good. I'm so glad; last semester when I got sick, I bought some lemon juice, a big thing of it, but then I got better really fast, so I just had this on hand. Lemon jiuce and kleenex, those are the two things I always want when I get sick, and I'm good.

becca, I want you to visit me this semester! I won't be able to come up at all until May, not even for a three day weekend. The only days off are school related mandatory things, except for spring break, but i have choir tour then. will you come down for my birthday? Goodbye!

Amber

I'm so excited! I made up a joke a few months ago:

What do you call a bass vocalist who sings by himself?

So-low.

Then, some short time later, I was making my rounds through rinkworks' funny jokes (www.rinkworks.com) and thought of my joke, so I submitted it.

And, they put it up!

http://rinkworks.com/jokes/

hahaha.

School starts tomorrow. I am excited about diving into it. Though, stupidly, we have school for only two days, then the weekend, except it's a 3-day weekend because Monday's a holiday. Dumb! Oh well, it was like this last year, so I shouldn't be all surprised. But, it's like, I won't even have any homework to do over the break because I won't have had most of my weekly classes yet!

On kids: Lately, I'm thinking, maybe no on kids for a while. I know, I know, I always said "man, I just want to get married and have a dozen kids right off the bat" and "if I don't get married, I'm just going to adopt a bunch of kids" and "if I don't adopt a bunch of kids, I'm going to move to a foreign country and run an orphanage". But, you know, kids are expensive, and if becca's going to have a lot of them, maybe I should just help her out with them.

Also, I kind of want to be free to start up the tea shop before waiting for all my kids to move out. That way, it could be up and running by the time becca's kids move out, and she could just sort of slide in.

But marriage would be the big question here. I know that if I get married, I want to have kids. At this moment, my feelings sway in the opposite direction of marriage. I'm kind of envisioning myself as the neighborhood spinster aunt, again.

But, I can't just start up a tea shop on no money; I have to have a job. It'll be difficult to have a job and start up a tea shop at the same time, though. The obvious solution? Get married. Husband will work while I do the tea shop.

But then there are the kids that will inevitably come. I can't run a tea shop with kids!

But then, do I wait for them to grow up and move out? Will I be too old by then? Sigh.

Life is full of dilemmas like this. I'm only 18, maybe I shouldn't be planning my future based on my whims of the moment.

Maybe I should forego the tea shop and assume that heaven will allow for a joy like that. I do think we will have the same personalities and desires in heaven. I've been thinking a lot about that lately.

See, there are a few things that I feel are "just wrong". Cameroon, for instance. It's such a bittersweet thing. I miss it so much, because the memories of it are so beautiful. I don't want to go back and spoil them by looking at it through adult eyes. I thrive on memories. I showed Jessica a piece of handwriting I had done when I was 9 or something. I know why I saved it; it was a momento of something that will never happen again. Me being 9. My little sister turned 9 today.

But in heaven, I don't think our wonderful memories will be erased. The Bible does not say, "Everything will be new." It says, "Everything will be made new". I don't know, I like the idea of a perfected Earth better than a brand new, foreign place. And I think heaven will be like that. I'll be like a child, and I'll be able to visit Cameroon and remember my childhood perfectly, and it will be so, so wonderful.

If this is confusing, know that I don't have it all straight in my mind yet. My main point: In heaven, God will respect, and give me the means to fulfill, the unfulfilled godly (and God-given) desires I had on earth.

Ephesians 6:1-4 "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

It's always funny to me, when people see parents with children who misbehave in public and automatically think, "I'm glad I don't have kids."

I don't think that way at all. In fact, it makes me want to have kids more, so I can raise them right. haha. What do I know? But really, even though no two families are going to have the same disciplinary methods or rules, or have the same emphasis on certain issues, it just seems that a lot of people take the easy way out in raising their children and excuse disobedience as just being "cute."

Is disobedience ever cute? It's true, kids don't know as much as us. That's why we're supposed to parent them, to teach them and bring them up so they learn what is right and wrong. The most important thing about raising kids is that they learn to follow God and that they pass that onto their children. The other things aren't really important in the grand scheme of things. And I think if you're focused on God, a lot of times, the other things fall into place anyway.

Okay, yes, I think you need to teach your children other things too. I believe they need to have good manners and they need to be educated and things, because those things will help them to be a better witness and to follow God more fully. But that's the obvious stuff.

Sometimes I want to laugh at kids when they do silly things though. Maybe they're not necessarily good things, but they don't understand yet. I find myself laughing at their ignorance. They don't know how unimportant those things really are, and they'll fight and cry for them until they do learn why they were put in "time-out."
Sort of like when we do silly things. I still fight and cry for things that later I look back and go, "what was I thinking? I had no idea." But usually I have some sort of idea. Of course God doesn't like it when we sin. It's disobedient, not cute. Us, cute? Come on. We're so disgusting when we sin. It gets us no where. But I just think of when we worry about things, plan out things - God already knows the outcome! We can be so silly sometimes, get so caught up in things.

Like with kids. Kids can worry about simple things like when something will happen - they have no concept of time yet - or worry about whether their brother or sister is playing with their toy or not - they don't know that it doesn't really matter. But as adults, or parents, we know. We know it's not that big of a deal if the one kid has to play with a different toy, but here they can learn patience and selflessness. We know that whether you say ten minutes or 5 hours will make no difference to a child because both seem like an eternity.

Aren't we kind of like that too?

God is outside of time and knows when things will happen, but whether something "good" or "bad" will take place in two days or two years, we don't know the difference. We don't know why until after, when we can look back and see how much we've grown because of it. Until we realize that the babysitter isn't coming at 10am because our mom is still around but at 5pm both parents are going out for dinner and we need someone with us then. We don't know why something happens, why something or someone is taken from us, why we have to "share that toy" or "wait our turn," we don't always see why it doesn't "really matter," but here God teaches us a lesson.

It's amazing how God has built life. I've been amazed enough looking at it on the cellular level, last year when I took biology, and as I've been reading other books, how intricately everything is planned out. Even at this bigger level, where all the cells are togther and we're living beings who can think for ourselves and make choices and have a personal relationship with God, it's just as intricate. One thing supports another, the better balance the better everything works together. So many things can be taken and pointed toward God. Life is about God, not us. Things in life help us make sense of who God really is, and we still only 'get' what He chooses to reveal to us.

I guess it's just amazing how intricate and complicated life is, because we can really grasp it, we can never create it from nothing, but at the same time, how little God really asks of us. It seems simple. We're so human. But that's how God created us. Enjoying the simple things in life may be a cliche, but that's what we're made to do, and to do it unto the Lord.

Just a thought. If I go any further I'll just get lost.

Today is beautiful, and I'm so glad for it. :)

-becca

you make me feel like such a slacker, amber.

I don't really have any time to post anything more right now though, so I guess I'll do it later.

so pointless.

-becca

I know I've been posting a lot lately. I guess I just have a lot of junk to say =P

This will be more reflective, though.

As far as families go, I know that God has blessed me a lot with the one I have. Statistically, we are a deviation from the norm. My parents are together and they love each other, we're all Christians, we all go to church.

This has been a long break to live with my family. In fact, this is the longest I've lived with them since I first left for college a year and a half ago. It's been fun, but they're also part of the reason I'm glad to be going back to school! Of course, that may be because I'm more used to my "new life" at school.

I've noticed something, though. I don't know if any of my family reads this, but even if they do, it wouldn't hurt to find this out. My family are not happy. It seems like if there isn't an argument going on, there's kind of a chill in the air. People don't hug or smile or make little light comments very often. Lots of days, it seems like nothing that isn't absolutely necessary is said to anyone. Tempers and patience are very short. There's an air of irritation hanging around our house. It's evident in vocal tone and facial expression.

I don't really know what to do about it. I am the least likely to be forcedly sunny of anybody I know. I guess it doesn't really matter at the moment, since this is my last night in my house. I don't know if my family would agree with me on this point. They probably wouldn't, because for so long it's been like, if there's no fight going on, everything is well and good.

I usually don't say this, but does anyone have feedback? Has anyone noticed this in their own families? I notice it in myself on certain days, where a cloud of irritation surrounds me all day, but I guess I never noticed it in my entire house before now. It's amazing how everyone is affected.

I would like to inform everybody that I intend to get straight A's this semester. For the last two semesters, my overall GPA has been just below 3.5. In order to apply for most honors scholarships, your GPA has to be 3.5 or above. Therefore, I intend to cross the line this semester.

This break has been very long. I am now ready to go back to school. I am planning study habits and schedules to help me stay on track. And...I deleted Age of Empires from my computer. I won't be needing it where I'm going.

I'm excited about seeing my friends, going back to work and making money, taking great classes, and visiting churches. There's a lot to look forward to.

Anyway, we're leaving to Seaside tomorrow, to spend a couple days there. Then my parents will drop me off at school.

Well, things are looking up now! Set my mind on things above, I prefer the wonder of, your amazing grace, your higher ways, your mystery... haha, that started running through my head. I don't even particularly like that song and I haven't heard it for a few years.

Ah...

it's 2 am. I couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs for a sip of water. On my way, I happened to see the computer, which called to me. "Turn me on! Turn me on!" So I did.

I automatically got signed into MSN messenger, a feature I sometimes loathe (because if I was just logging on to check email, I don't notice that messenger is open, and I come back to people saying things like "hi! Are you there? ...fine, ignore me."

And I noticed that my dear cousin, Candice, was on! Candice, for those of you who don't know, is a missionary kid in the Philippines. We're rarely online at the same time, because we live at opposite ends of the earth. But of course, since it's 2 am my time, it's 6 pm her time.

So we're just chatting. It's fun. We have the kind of friendship where we probably wouldn't be friends unless we were related, because we're so different. I only see her like once every three years, but every time she steps off the plane and I hug her, we both cry, and we're pretty much inseparable from that point on. It's kind of like having a dog that you can forget about for a few years, and you don't feed it or spend time with it or anything, and then you're like "alright, it's time" and you suddenly be nice to it, and suddenly the dog is your best friend, forgetting that you've neglected it for years. Not that Candice is similar to a dog at all, or that I am. Uh.

Or a plant that bears beautiful flowers, but you don't water it for years, so it dies, but as soon as you water it it immediately perks up and blooms.

Well, good morning.

Amber

Last night was fun. We had a music/game night.

Though they're called music/game nights, I know I rarely play a game. Generally, we have twenty to thirty people at our house, and roughly half of them play board games (last night, Tyrone brought DDR, so people were also playing that). The other half (roughly) sing and play instruments in the main "piano" room for, I don't know how many hours, because none of us ever looks at a clock. When that winds down, some of the music people will go into a board game if one happens to be starting up, or people will just hang out, eat, and talk. It's all incredibly fun.

I think the thing I'm most glad of is that we still have them, even though we moved half an hour south, and all the same people are willing to drive down, and we get some new people, too!

Here are the elements that are important to a music/game night:

-Merkers, Maruchecks, and Mulls (this is the core group, and we always have it at our house, so I think we're pretty darn important too!)
-Food (everybody brings something)
-Kids running around screaming and chasing each other
-A piano
-People who can play guitar
-People who enjoy singing worship songs
-People (like my mom) who love to play board games like Settlers, Scrabble, and Chess (a few that were played last night)

It's a great time to catch up with people I don't get to talk to much since I'm away at school a lot. It's also a good time to meet new people.

My mom is pretty great. We have a music/game night almost every time I come home. She'll call me at school and ask me if I want to have one on whatever upcoming break. Then, she calls everybody and tells them the date (it'll always be on a Friday) and the time (it'll always be at 7) and "bring a snack item and any musical instruments you have".

The last person (cough cough, tyrone) left last night at an hour approaching 2 am. The latest people stay is often 1 or 2 am.

Anyway, if you are not normally part of our unofficially singing/gaming group, you should start up your own.

Amber's Future Dream House, Episode 2

I don't think I'll have enough space for both a reading room and a music room. I don't even know if I'd want to have a music room, because I probably want to host music nights at my house, and to do that there needs to be a communal piano in the big room. Maybe I'll be rich and have two pianos.

So, maybe becca will have to have one and I'll have the other, or I'll have the other and becca will have the one. Wait, I just said the same thing twice. I guess I should have just said "vice versa". Or "Visa versa" like some people say, but that looks like I'm talking about a piece of poetry written about a credit card. Anyway, I know becca wants to have a music room, so maybe I'll use her music room and I'll let her use my reading room. Or maybe she'll have both.

Maybe I'll have a mansion!

You know, maybe I just won't get married. I'll be one of those rich old aunt types. I'll always have the neighborhood kids over for "story hour", when I read out loud to them from some classic book that every kid should read but most kids have never heard of. Then will be "tea time", when we all have a nice cup of tea. Then will be "music" time, where we all learn songs and sing them around the piano. Everybody will love me, and I'll have some kind of great job that gives me time to spend with all these kids, lots of money, and doesn't require me to go anywhere. And becca's kids will be the ones who come over the most, since they'll live right next door. And when they get a little older, they'll try to set me up with every single man that comes along, and I'll just shake my head and smile, because I'll be so much older than him by then.

So, in my mansion, the basement will be one big reading room, like I described in an earlier post. But I'll also have a music room. There will be a bookshelf with every sort of sheet music to every kind of musical ever, and every classic composer, and stuff like that. There will be a really nice piano. It must be a room with a view out of a pretty window. I'll have some solemn, elegant photographs on the walls, like pictures of somebody's great great grandparents that are black and white. It'll be great.

Hm. Maybe not. I don't know about this "mansion" thing; it would be nice for some things, but a normal sized house would be cozier, and less to clean.

Never mind. I don't want a music room.

Ha, first post by ME all year.

I've got five minutes to kill before work, I might as well write something.

But I have nothing like what amber was talking about to talk about. I'm sort of tired and happy and thoughtful, but not about anything inparticular, and not really minding having to work today at all. It makes it easier, a lot of the time, to have some kind of work to keep your mind off of things. Even if it's a dull job like selling ballet garb. It's a good thing to learn, to keep your personal life seperate from your work. If you show up and you feel bad, you can't let that affect your performance. Why should your employer trust you if you're moody? Yes. Well. Anyway. Not that it's a bad thing to think about things. But it is very possible to think too much about things, especially when you're idle. I always think of that verse in Proverbs 31, about the valiant woman, "...she does not eat the bread of idleness."

I should work on that some more. It takes a lot of different forms.

Oh, I should go, so I'm done with that thought - as far as blogging goes.

ha.

-becca

Ha! First post all year!

I was just reflecting on some of the little things I have in mind for the things I want to own complete collections of by the time I have at least a few kids.

For one, eventually I want to own every Calvin and Hobbes comic book, every Far Side, ever Foxtrot, and every Dilbert book that exists. I'll have them on a nice bookshelf, arranged by publishing date. My kids and grandkids will probably learn to read on them, and the ones that love to read will love reading them.

I also want to have a collection of jigsaw puzzles on another bookshelf. A lot of them. Maybe my kids and I will do, say, one per week. And my grandkids and I, too. I'll collect nice puzzles, with colorful pictures. Puzzles that aren't too hard, but enjoyable and fun.

Third, I'll have a bookshelf full of the best kids books ever, from the simplest Dr. Seuss book and A. A. Milne poetry to the Chronicles of Narnia and Roald Dahl's children's literature.

There will be places for each of my kids to keep their book collections.

I'll definitely have to have my dad build me a bookshelf like he did in our old house, for all this stuff. Maybe it'll extend all the way along one wall.

Whatever room that's in, it'll be the "reading room". There will be a square table in it, with chairs on each side, perfect for multiple people doing puzzles on. There will also be a couch and several big, comfy chairs. The computer will not go in this room, nor will the television. There will be a craft table with markers, colored pencils, tape, paint, construction paper, etc. for any kid that feels creative, along with several craft instruction books. It will always be well supplied.

The lighting will be very well in this room, so everybody can see what they're doing. There will be plenty of throw blankets and pillows on the couches and chairs. I don't know whether this room will have carpeting or not, since the craft table will be there, and kids shouldn't be using glue and paint over carpet. Maybe there will be a section without carpet for that.

Actually, there won't be carpet. But there will be rugs! Rugs in front of the bookshelf, and under the chairs and couches.

We'll have some kind of electric heater, since this room will probably be in the basement, and will probably be most utilized during the winter when we don't go outside much. I hope it's roughly the same size as the downstairs room in our old house. The heater will make the room seem more cozy.

There will be plenty of little end tables next to reading areas where people can drink tea and cocoa, and eat toast and stuff. I'll have a hot pot and a mug collection down there, as well as an assortment of the family's favorite teas and cocoas, so no one will have to go far to get a cup of tea to go with their book. If the room is anywhere near the laundry room, we can just keep some soap and a rag by the laundry sink and tell the kids to wash their own mugs when they're done. If I wanted to be really elaborate, we could also have a toaster, a loaf of bread, and a mini fridge to keep snacks and butter and jam in.

(For some reason, I keep picturing all this at our old house, which would have been perfect for this.)

There will be fun, colorful paintings on the walls, following a theme. I think, since it's in the basement, which tends to be drab, the theme will be something like "summer" or something really colorful and fun. Or, maybe big pictures of favorite comic book characters that surround the room. Or maybe just my kid's drawings.

This whole thing probably won't go as planned, but it's a nice little dream - if not for kids, then for grandkids.