Last night I spent at Jessica's house. This morning, when I woke up, I sat up and for some reason glanced at the wall. There was a print of this painting on the wall - Poppy Field in Argenteuil, by Monet. I couldn't stop looking at it - the fields of flowers, the blue sky dotted with clouds, the mansion in the background, the trees. I started thinking about how slow that life was, and imagining myself walking through poppy fields for no reason at all, and having hours to stare at the sky, and in the evenings sitting on a porch swing with an afghan and watching the moon.

Then, as my daydream progressed, I decided that I would have a house in the country someday, and everything would be perfect.

But of course, it couldn't be a farmhouse in Washington, because the weather isn't as mild as I'd want it to be.

But of course, it would have to be in Washington, because the best joy of having such an estate would be to share it with friends and family. Mine all live in WA.

And besides, it wouldn't be a slow and quiet life. I'd have kids, and a husband. There'd be financial worries. I'd be cooking and cleaning and mothering all day, and I'd probably rarely feel like just sitting on the porch.

In fact, every dream of mine is like that, and every happiness of mine is like that. In fact, (this is getting thoughtful and deep) I think every happiness on earth is like that. It's good, and it's given to us from God, but because it's on earth, it can never be true happiness. It's always semi happiness. It's always marred by something, even if that something is only that the happiness has to stop.

For all the dreams I have about my future (and they differ every day), I know that my life on earth is never going to be as ideal as I want it to be. It's not going to be what I have dreamed, no matter how hard I work for it.

So, what's the point of my living, anyway? I'm always dreaming about my future life - always waiting for the day I can get something I want. I obviously don't know what I want. You who read this know that I change my mind every day. Married or not married? Kids or no kids? Career or no? Early death or long life? Country house, beach house, or suburb? Tea shop?

I know that all these things cannot be the point of living on earth. They aren't perfect, and I imagine them to be perfect.

I'm seeing now more than ever that if there is no Heaven, my existence is pointless. I desire so many things and I know that even if I get them on earth, they will be marred, and they won't be what I expected. That makes me sad.

I'm eighteen. In twenty years I'll be forty. Twenty years after that, I'll be sixty. Twenty years after that, I'll be eighty. Then I'll die.

But I know that I have something so wonderful waiting for me, and it won't last only eighty years. I know that I will be in Heaven forever after that. I'll get to experience all the things I was longing for on earth, but had no way to fulfill. Because of this promise, I have joy, but I'm also sad, because I am so sick of this earth, and I've only been here for eighteen years.

I want to go to heaven now. I also don't want my friends and family to be grieved at my departure. So I want Jesus to come now. Today. I want him to take us all home for my own selfish reason - that I can leave this world and live in Heaven.

But there are still people who can be reached if Jesus delays. There are still people who need to know about the choice they have, and they need to understand how pointless their life on earth is unless they choose to invest their lives in Jesus.

So, I guess I'll just do my best to bring people into the family. But I sure hope Jesus comes soon, because I don't know how long I can take this Earth.