Transportation was an issue from the very first time I started attending this church.

At first we were going to just walk to and from church every Sunday morning and Thursday night, but that quickly became not-an-option when the "we" became "I" and it's not really safe to walk that particular street of Portland because of all the seedy businesses and freaky things that go on there. Especially at night. Especially alone.

So, then I made arrangements with various people to get picked up at certain times at certain places on campus. There were always misunderstandings. For one thing, there are multiple entrances to the campus. It's sometimes confusing, especially at night. I would wait on the sidewalk by the road, or in front of a certain dorm, or in front of a certain building - and whoever was supposed to pick me up was waiting for me at a different building.

Sometimes people just forgot to pick me up, on account of being elderly and forgetful.

Sometimes they came and I "wasn't there." Later, when I was twenty minutes late to worship practice, they would say, "well, we said we'd pick you up at 9:30, and we were there to pick you up at almost 9:30 and you weren't there so we just left." Well, I was there at nine-thirty. Who's fault is that? They are the ones supposed to be doing me the favor, so of course it's mine. They're nice about it, but I can tell they are frustrated with my incompetence, and I hate it when people think I'm incompetent.

Then someone else said she'd start picking me up for worship practice since I kept on being late with the other people. I said great, that's fine. I always came early to wait at the front, just so that no one would have to wait for me again. This usually resulted in waits of 15 or 20 minutes in the cold. Once, no one came at all. I waited in the cold for half an hour before finally getting someone from the school to drive me to worship practice. She was there, and she said she had been there to pick me up at the appropriate time, had waited for 15 minutes, and had finally left. But the thing is, I was there at the right time! I was even there early! She didn't even have a clock on her so she didn't know what time it was then. I was so mad. But again, I couldn't complain because I was the one being done a favor and thus, once again, it was my fault.

I left for Christmas break. Before I left, I printed out very clear lists about what dates and times I would not require being picked up, and what date and time I would return and appreciate a ride. So I waited this Thursday night in the cold, again, for 20 minutes. No Robin. I called someone else and they picked me up and took me to church. As they drove me, I wondered out loud why Robin hadn't come.

"Oh," they said, "she didn't know if she was supposed to pick you up or not, so she didn't."

"But," I said, "I typed out a list of dates I would be gone and when I would be coming back, and what time, and everything! I gave it to her!"

"She lost the list," they told me.

So, why didn't she call me and find out? It was kind of rude, I think, to just not call me. I hate it! I hate that people are blaming me for this thing and I can't even help it! I need to start bringing homework to do out there in front of Sutcliffe because I just stand there in the cold. If I were to add up how long I have spent just standing there, singing or shivering or stamping my feet, trying to call people who aren't answering their phones to find someone to pick me up, and using up my cell phone minutes in the process, I'm sure it would add up to at least six hours this last semester. It's a completely miserable, abandoned feeling. I guess I'm kind of selfish about it too - I have this whole "I'm their piano player, aren't I? I'm important, right? Why can't they just pick me up?" And I can't help comparing it to my old church where stuff like this never happens. They say "we'll pick you up at 6," they'll pick you up right then, and if they are going to be two minutes early or late they call you and let you know. They communicate. And I try so hard, and still people don't communicate with me. Ugh. It drives me nuts! But now I'm going to bed where I won't complain anymore, because today has been a day of complaining and I thought that maybe by complaining about something that was unrelated to my present causes to complain I might feel like I don't need to complain about anything anymore at all.

And if becca doesn't check her email soon and write me back, I think I'm going to explode.

-Amber