Life is good.

I know so much I get caught up in things and sort of...forget for a little while. But I know it. It seems there are a lot of things I just know, but I'm still full of emotions, and it's another good part of life. Life without emotions would be so...boring. But why can't I just be okay with my emotions and be okay with knowing that everything is going to be okay? You have to learn from things, you have to, that's the way to know life is good - to learn from even the bad things.

Sometimes though, I can't escape the feeling. What is this feeling? Why do I act so silly sometimes? I mean, why do I let things I think or feel really change the way I'm acting around people? Is it some weird pathetic plea for attention? Look at me, I'm feeling bad? I don't know if that's really it though. I don't really like attention for that, because then I know that I'm acting differently than I want to be. Maybe that's something I struggle with, something I long for more: transparency.

This past weekend, I went over to 'camp' in powerless Indianola with Jeremy and his family. Maybe that's part of why I'm thinking about this, but it's something I think I end up thinking about a lot anyway. Just how different I am around different people. I don't really understand it. But, I'm really quiet around his family. Really. I don't talk. I don't really join in that much when they're joking or start any conversation up on my own. I don't know why. It's sort of weird, because I want to, but it's also sort of like I'm just okay with watching and listening to everyone else and don't really think about how weird it is that I'm not saying anything. Or I think if I do say anything it has to be...funny or something. Or I'm just used to when I say something, people thinking it's funny or wanting to talk about it more or whatever. I hate that feeling of...not knowing how to be myself. ha. I'm so silly, what does that even mean? There must be some reason for it, right? I guess I'm still kind of shy at times. I'm not shy about doing things, if you ask me to do something, I'll do it without even thinking, but just sometimes the normal stuff, like sitting around doing nothing, I'm shy then. But it doesn't seem like me to that quiet. So maybe there's something just pointless behind it all, but I'm pretty sure I'll stop being that way anyway, because I pretty much always do. I just take time.

Because, many times, I'm like that in any new situation. At all of my jobs, when I first started, I was quiet. I would just watch and listen and figure things out, and then start enjoying it and talking to my co-workers and building relationships with them, but it took me a little while to get used to everything.
But that's not even always true of me. Sometimes I just jump in and I'm me and I'm enthusiastic and on top of everything and joking and open and completely comfortable doing whatever and being interested in everyone and everything. That's how I've always been in CEF and Awana and Bible Quizzing and at school and things like that. That's how I always want to be too.

I want people to know me as much as I want to know them. Who I am and what I believe, so we can learn from each other, and like each other, and everything. I want that with everyone, in every level of friendship I have with anyone. I forget that though. I forget that it takes two sides. So much of the time I think if I'm the one who listens, and I'm the one who encourages, it's good. But it's not. You learn from peoples strengths, but it seems like you learn more from their weaknesses. I struggle with showing what I struggle with. I never think anyone really needs to know or wants to know. But isn't that weird? I'm not scared of telling people my problems. I'm very quick to tell some people those things - if it comes up. But I don't bring it up. And maybe thats something I need to work on.

I don't mean just shelling out all of my problems to people. No. But we're supposed to share our burdens, as Christians, and I think as part of witnessing too, when people see that you're down-to-earth, and still make mistakes, maybe God's grace is more clearly seen. Because it's not like I'm perfect. Ooh boy, am I not.

I struggle with many things on a day-to-day basis. There are times when I just can't get over myself, because I'm a selfish human being. And they're things that aren't the most important sometimes. Oh, I'm feeling ugly today, or like I'm not really that good at things I do, I'm going to let that affect my attitude and my confidence in anything. No. Come on, that's dumb. There's no confidence to be had in the flesh. My confidence should come from Christ alone. There's nothing I can really accomplish on my own that's worth anything. Only when God is using me, only when I'm letting Him work through me, then is it worth something. And it's an amazing something. Even the smallest thing is big.

I have absolutely loved being able to be involved in as many things as I have been able to. Sometimes I was bitter about moving from one place to another, but God has always revealed His plan in that move, and now, I just about can't wait to move on. I'm happy where I am, doing what He has for me here and now, but I'm so looking forward to what will happen next.

wow, I ended up writing a lot. And all about myself, can I be any more vain?

yes I can.

-becca