So, becca called me after my whole "waa, I'm depressed" thing, and that made me feel somewhat better of course. Then I went to class, ate, bought a lot of chocolate and ate it and moped around until my roommate left around 2:30. Then I fell asleep and woke up to the phone ringing at 6:20. I was supposed to find two guys to help an old couple from my church move some furniture items by tomorrow at noon. Ran to dinner so I wouldn't be late. Happened to sit by Danny and (I think his name is) Eric. They said they'd do it. Yay!

Went back to my room, moped. Roamed around the dorm, went to the cafe (closed) and the library (closed) and the prayer chapel. Played some out of key hymns. Tried to pray. Went back to room.

I basically feel awful. I wish I could pray. I keep trying to, and it doesn't work. And yes, it feels like God isn't there.

I know there have been other times I've felt like God isn't here. None of them have been as severe as this. But the thing is, when I had those other times when I felt like there was steel around me so nobody could really hear or understand me because I was in a bubble - when I had those times when I could pray before, God always popped out the next morning or sometimes the next week and I always grew as a result of that. It got so I could know that He was there based on my past experience. That's what it's like now. I refuse to deceive myself. Right now, it feels like God doesn't exist. It feels like I will never be happy again. It would be so simple to detach myself from this world. Simple, not easy. Don't worry, I'm not contemplating suicide. It just seems like a nice option.

LATER:

In the twenty minutes since I wrote that, God has been soooooo good to me! He always does that! Right when I'm at my lowest! Wow!

I'll expound later.

-Amber