I have a migraine.

Some people may say "I have a migraine" when they really mean "I have a painful headache."

However, the headache is only half of that.

Right now it feels like I'm looking at everything through a clear glass dish smeared with oil. It feels, really, like my eyeballs are covered with oil. Not only is this disorienting, but I feel downright weird. I'm not myself, and I won't be all day. I'll only be half here. Not like I'm on drugs, but just like I'm not myself. I'll be more irate and listless than usual. I won't feel like talking to anyone about anything because all I'll be able to think about is how I feel so weird.

The headache can be cured with Excedrin. However, even though the pain from the headache is gone, it feels...wrong. Like the pain is still there in my head but it's hiding behind a rock. So, it doesn't really hurt, but it feels like I should be feeling pain and thus I feel somehow "wrong." Does this make sense? It's almost better to be feeling the pain.

My head also gets really heavy. I mean, it feels like it weighs an extra pound and my neck can't support it and so every once in a while my head just kind of drops to my chest.

I always get migraines between 10 am and 12 pm. I used to only get them once or twice a month. In the last two weeks, this is my third one, and it's worse than the others because the vision problems are more widespread (usually it's just one side of my vision that's affected and it only lasts for half an hour).

I'm sorry to be complaining, I really am. I'm just so very very frustrated because I had my whole day planned out. I was going to be writing my paper for Fine Arts now but I just can't concentrate on anything. I can't! I feel so weird! Ugh, it's so hard to explain. It's like something has affected my brain. I'm not myself; therefore, I can't write my paper! Get it? After my Fine Arts class where I hopefully get my evaluation form to fill out and talk about how sucky the class is, I was going to visit the Art Museum with Allison since it's required and I haven't done it yet. Then I was going to come back, take a nap, and go to worship practice, having all my music typed out and printed beforehand so I wouldn't come unprepared. Then I was going to come back, write half of my response paper due tomorrow, drink tea, eat popcorn or soup, and go to bed.

My mom thinks it's "stress" that causes my migraines. So do other people. The thing is, I realized I would be the last person to know if I ever do get "stressed out." I'm so careful to get enough sleep - how can I be stressed out? And rarely do I feel overwhelmed by my class load. I only feel stressed out when I get a migraine, so how could my migraines be the result of stress? And yet, maybe there are times when I'm "stressed out" and I do n't know it. I always like to think of myself as tough - like, the world may fall around me but I wo n't get stressed out. Maybe that's my problem. Maybe God's trying to show me something.

The times I get migraines are always the times when I wake up full of resolve to get A, B, C, D, and E done today. Then I get a migraine and I wander about my room doing absolutely NOTHING all day. My schedule is disrupted and I end up having twice as much to do the next day. It really sucks! And I am a doer. Or something. I crave the feeling of satisfaction of having finished everything on a list. That's why I get so upset when I get a migraine. Again, maybe God's trying to show me something.

Haha, I can't even read what I'm typing. haha. Why am I typing, you ask? Because I can, and it's MORNING! I'm not going to go to bed, I'm not tired. Normally that's what you do when you get a migraine. Not now.

Sorry for ranting on and on about this. It's just like...the one thing I can think about right now. It's like a blanket over my head and I can't ignore it. It feels kind of like a blanket. Kind of stuffy and it's hard to see through and hard to breathe through.

But all my descriptions are inaccurate. It's so hard to explain! I hate it, I hate it. And then people think it's all in my head. "What happens when you get a migraine?" "I can't see, I get a headache, and I feel really really really weird." Uh, okay. Hypochondriac. Take these headache pills. Thanks, but the headache's not the worst part. It's the "weird" part that bugs me the most. Nothing you can do about that, and there's NO WAY to explain it so that someone understands! Can you tell I'm really frustrated? I keep ranting and the apologizing for ranting and then ranting some more...I really ough to just lay down. Bleah.

-Amber